Do I really need a therapist to heal?
No. Not in theory, at least.
I asked this question to my own therapist back in 2015. He had recommended a series of books to me that described various ways to meditate, how to identify parts of myself which were cut off, and how to sit with these parts and heal them.
My therapist told me that theoretically, no, I do not need a therapist to heal, but that genuine inner work can feel so undesirable to do, so often, that the presence of another, who knows the process, is often essential. Or, essential if you don’t want this project to take decades.
I didn’t like his answer. I’m really brave, see? Maybe most people can’t find the courage or the discipline to sit with themselves and invite the most afraid or painful parts of themselves forward, but I can, I’ve got that “it” factor. Or something. I think.
Lo and behold! That was not my last therapy session. I did in fact take a few weeks off of therapy, and felt well and determined that I could do it all myself. The truth was, I was really good at avoiding the various meditative practices that had been described. Even when I did do the meditative practices, I spent most of the time being lost in thought, unconsciously avoiding my fear. And my personal journaling had felt weak. In my case, there really was no substitute for having someone sitting across from me, whose face was warm and tender as I told of my pain and fear and grief. Whose face looked appropriately bored as I babbled on about the details of my week, in a vain attempt to avoid doing real work in therapy. There was no substitute for the way that I could go into session feeling quite sure that life is just a bummer and there isn’t much to be done about, and how halfway through the session, I could be laughing until I was almost crying as my therapist roasted me with the skill of the best comedian.
In short, I don’t know. You might be able to heal yourself. The tools, the books, the guided reflections - they’re all out there. Even Chat GPT can give you truly solid advice various ways to address social anxiety, cope during periods of depression, find healthier outlets for anger, etc. (side bar, I do really do recommend everyone experiment with sharing their problems with Chat GPT or some other AI, you can get some great tips.) All that said, in my experience, there is no substitute for being in conversation with a living being who can hold space for you gently, while also letting you know when you’re talking some nonsense. There is no substitute for the therapist who asks how your weekend was, and when you reply “Good!”, cocks his eyebrow, and knows that “Good!” isn’t the whole story.
Therapy is expensive, and that’s a goddamned bummer. I wish I could afford to live in my own place in Boulder, CO and also charge much less than I do. I wish health insurance company policymakers weren’t the greediest humans to ever exist. In my own experience as a client, paying for therapy over the course of a year, at a time when I was making decent money (about $70k a year), cost about as much as paying for a major car repair out of pocket. It was expensive, but doable, and worth it for me, and I was fortunate that I could afford to choose my therapist. If we sound like we might be a good fit, let me know. If you can’t afford my rate, let me know anyhow, I have a few sliding scale spots, and I know of other good therapists who may take your insurance and have sliding scale slots available.
